Songs I Listened to Like a Million Times (ie on repeat in my car) in 2012

• The following songs by Rhett Miller:
• "Long, Long, Long"
• "Marina"
• "Fireflies"
• "Chop Me Up" - Justin Timberlake
• "The Walk" - Mayer Hawthorne (Video included as my gift to you; this version is censored, but you get the idea.)

• "No Simple Machine" - Old 97's
• "Mesmerizing" - Liz Phair
• "Bedroom Eyes" - Dum Dum Girls
• "Pictures of Success" - Rilo Kiley. In all of the years I've been listening to Take Offs and Landings, I've never been able to listen to this song just once.

I think I've listened to Rhett Miller / Old 97s (specifically The Grand Theater vols 1 and 2) for cumulatively half the year. It's been a half-wistful alt-country/folk kind of year.

Lessons learned in 2012, interspersed with pictures I found on the Internet in 2012:

That it is possible to do the thing you are best at all day and yet hate your life. Writing is basically my strongest skill in life, but writing SEO content all day made me feel awful inside, and I was really slow at it, so I don't think I intentionally slept more than five hours at a time for like six months.

That I can find myself saying, "How dare she [my then-boyfriend's friend] come into my house and speak Spanish to my dog!" I neither speak nor understand Spanish; this fact is known. I remember thinking, This is a ridiculous thing to say, and it is time to stop being in situations where I feel the need to construct sentences like this.

(9gag.com)

That I am less adaptable than I thought, and I have changed less than I thought, for better or worse. I'm basically still the same person I was when I was a kid, when I was in high school, when I was in college. It's been weird to realize that I cannot magically alter the things I care about and/or the things that make me mad. But, in retrospect, I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out.

(arresteddecision2012.tumblr.com)

That you can develop an angry smile, a smile of fury, and other people will not notice it is an angry smile. That, in general, it is possible to be furious completely under the radar of those around you.

9gag.com

That, when I get used to feeling like no one is listening, I forget how to talk. Regardless of whether that feeling is grounded in fact. When I moved back to Mesa and hung out with people who were like really, intently listening to me, I had trouble making eye contact, and I kept trailing off at the ends of sentences, waiting to be cut off. I do not know quite how these habits developed.

That returning is not always the same as going backwards.

PS: Extra-fun trivia! Where, O readers, did I steal the format of this entry from? (ie: "That...")

(Harrison Ford and Sean Young 
on the set of Bladerunner; buzzfeed.com)

For the next few days, I think I will provide a summary of various aspects of 2012. Let's start small.

Things I Regret Purchasing in 2012

1. A purse with an abstract motif that I did not inspect carefully enough before buying. I thought it was flowers? Fish? Something? As my friend Joe helpfully pointed out several weeks later, it is skulls. SKULLS. I did not want a purse with skulls on it.

Oh, if anyone out there wants a purse with skulls on it, I'm happy to sell it to you for a nominal price! I can send you pictures so that you do not fall into a regrettable purchase as well.

2. Jeans one size too small. Intentionally, as motivation to lose weight. Self-fat-shaming, thy name is Greta. The jeans aren't even really that great; I dunno why I thought I would see them as a goal.

3. Three-inch, electric blue heels. The style was named Greta, and I am enough of a narcissist to love all things that share my name. When was I ever going to wear these things, I who avoid at all costs wearing shoes with heels even half that height? No idea. Meryl acted as a primeval force of reason when she chewed these shoes beyond recognition.

4. Two seven-packs of men's white t-shirts. No one needs 14 of those things, even if they are really comfy.

5. Tofu, three times, because I did not eat it. This is confusing and counter-intuitive, since I do actually like tofu, and it's not like it is hard to prepare. But I just forgot to eat it, somehow. And I felt really self-conscious making it for Cris, the same way I feel self-conscious listening to music I love in front of other people.

Things I Do Not Regret Purchasing

1. Men's white dress shirt. I truly maintain that, someday, I will make it into an amazing tunic thing. 

2. Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveSounds CD. Gaaaah such a good album.

3. A ringholder shaped like a giraffe. I've worn the same two rings every day for at least five years, and every night, a giraffe wears my rings around its neck while I sleep, you guys. I hope it goes out and has adventures. Also, now I don't lose my rings in the detritus of earrings and receipts on top of my dresser.

4. Meryl's new memory foam dog bed. I did not think I would ever purchase anything made of memory foam for an animal, because, come on, animals don't care about memory foam. Fun fact: You know who cares about memory foam? Meryl the hound. She loves it. 

See also: dog sweaters, though that's more because I think it's funny to watch the dogs walking around wearing them.

5. Coffee. So, so much coffee. Actually, maybe this should go in a third category: "Things I Purchased With Which I Have a Love/Hate Relationship." I needed the coffee, and it was delicious, but my caffeine addiction has gotten out of control. 

Lately, I have been drinking a fair amount of coffee with other people, catching up on the past three years and actually developing friendships. It's been nice. I don't regret buying too many lattes and developing a crippling caffeine addiction, for that.

If you've suffered through this whole thing, here is your reward. Or maybe your punishment, depending on how you feel about puns.

As promised: the dogs in sweaters. It is really hard to get them to face the same way at any time and stop fidgeting, but you get the idea.

Here is another angle of Julie, so you can appreciate both her roundness and her sweater.

As a bonus: the dogs NOT in sweaters.

I've started like four blog entries in the past six days and left them as drafts. All of them were pretty modular, so I will combine parts of them here:


I.
I think the chia pet may be the embodiment of several things that are wrong.

1. WHO WANTS THIS AS A PART OF THEIR LIVES? Look at it. If I want a ridiculous decoration, I'll start collecting novelty nutcrackers or something.

2. Chia is incredibly nutritionally dense. Per anecdotes I have heard (trust them accordingly), Aztec soldiers used to eat a handful of chia seeds to keep themselves going for like 24 hours at a time. It has a ton of protein, omega fatty acids, and nutrients, and it makes (from what I hear) a delicious gelatin-like suspension that you can use as a base for smoothies, in addition to just eating the seeds as-is. This is a food that could probably do a lot for the world. Instead, it is the hair for head-shaped terracotta planters.

See also: Amaranth: not just a purty purple flower.

II.

I'd like to stress that I hope we can all agree that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is creepy. INTERESTING FACT: the two vocal parts were not designated as "man" and "woman" or anything like that; instead, they are labeled "wolf" and "mouse."

III.
So my parents have been getting Christmas cards, with the requisite chatty Christmas letters, from a ton of family friends. Ok, maybe like four. But still. It's weird. I don't think my family has ever sent out a Christmas letter, because we're just not chatty people. I appreciate people who keep their letter to one page, preferably without margin adjustment, because I think it shows skill. Maybe the next step is to shorten it even further, by doing holiday limericks or something. Try this at home, readers!

IV.
Sewing gives me a profound sense of agency. Like, oh, you mean these pants used to be too long? BAM. Altered -- by me. I have changed the world to fit my needs.

V.
The days immediately after the Sandy Hook shooting were interesting, because you got to watch everyone construct completely one-sided explanations. Half the world was like, Mental illness made him do it! The other half was like, Guns made him do it! I think some of that has tempered and moderated a bit, but it was a weird time.

VI.
I'm like 90% sure that autism/Asperger's is not a mental illness and is in no way linked to violent behavior. So let's all get on the same page with that. And can we all finally admit that mental illness really truly does exist? Like, it's not just people not trying hard enough. I've spent years lobbying that fact and had a surprisingly hard time with it.

Haikus about the time since my last post:

Yay, corduroy pants!
They are 4 inches too long.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

My dad, bless his heart,
was sure Games of Thrones would not
really kill Nedd Stark.

Dear Paul McCartney:
DO NOT WANT. Sincerely yours,
Ev'ryone. Really.

Meryl the greyhound,
it is 5 AM. Don't you
love to sleep? I DO.

Tim Kasher, I'm yours.
No longer young and emo,
but I am clever.

Songs I have done in karaoke:

1. "Buddy Holly" - Weezer
2. "Y Control" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
3. "I Want You to Want Me" - Cheap Trick
4. "Don't Turn Around" - Ace of Base
5. "Release Me" - Wilson Phillips
6. "When Doves Cry" - Prince (Note: this was prefaced by me saying something like this: "Hi... so, yeah... this is, like, the best song ever.")

Songs I would like to do in karaoke:

1. "NY State of Mind" - Nas
2. "Chop Me Up" (mainly just the first two verses) and/or "Lovestoned" - Justin Timberlake
3. "Divorce Song" and/or "Polyester Bride" - Liz Phair
5. "The Walk" - The Cure
6. "Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin'" - Mayer Hawthorne
7. "Streets of Where I'm From" - Old 97's
8. "Falling for You" - Weezer

Songs I could pull off in karaoke without embarrassing myself and the world at large:

...

Ok, I probably could do "NY State of Mind," but everyone would think I was being ironic. No irony, guys; I just have most of that track memorized.

NINE STRANGE THINGS:

1. I just updated my Amazon wishlist with CDs I used to listen to with my 2005-era boyfriend. Specifically: Campfire Girls and Spinto Band. It's weird. I ain't sorry, though; they're catchy.


2. Meryl the greyhound and Julie the rat terrier have worked out some elaborate system of playing outside where the patio is "base" or something and whoever is there is safe from aggression, and Julie gets to bite Meryl but Meryl never gets to bite Julie. I feel like I'm watching civilization develop.


3. I've now been single for almost three months. This is the longest I have been completely, 100% without a boyfriend since I was 17. I'm 26. It's kind of awesome. I DO WHAT I WANT. Is this how normal people live? Who is John Galt?


4. I used to be really blond, thanks to a heavy dose of bleach:
   
   
   
   
   For comparison, this is me (+ hound) normally:
   
   
   
   
   
   Anyway, there are times when I find myself looking back and thinking, that was a really good look! Maybe I should do that again! I will almost definitely not do that again.


5. I used to download pictures of my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (when he was still my bf) and write "WHORE" next to her face in MS Paint. I recommend this as a stress release. If you're squeamish about the word "WHORE," feel free to fill in your own insult. (Hi, Aubree (and other Leglers) and John, by the way!)


6. Completely without irony, I purchased a sweater for each of my dogs, because they have looked so pathetic during recently evening walks. Pictures to come.


7. True story: I have never eaten a Twinkie, and now there is a chance that I never will.


8. I need to find a karaoke joint featuring "NY State of Mind" by Nas. 


9. I know I have already told some of you about this, but I truly never tire of saying it. This one's for all you Game of Thrones watchers. And Christopher Nolan Batman fans. Check it:

On the left, you see the angelic little boy whom Rachel Dawes saves from panic-crazed Gothamites towards the end of Batman Begins. On the right, you see King Joffrey, vicarious abuser of whores (hi again, Leglers!) and all-around sociopath. What's my point?

IT'S THE SAME ACTOR. To me, this is somewhere between profoundly unsettling and really impressive.

You have to realize, this kind of actor recognition trivia is like easily the best thing in the world, for me. I love it. It's like visual punnery. Or something.

Here are things I like today:

• YOU, dear reader. I like you. Probably.
• The following songs by Rhett Miller: "Lost Without You," "Long Long Long," "Marina," and "As Close as I Came to Being Right."
• Slipper socks
• The spine of my copy of Infinite Jest is so broken that the book will now lie flat. This makes it easy to eat lunch while reading.
• Meryl the greyhound likes her new bed, which means she no longer sleeps on my bed and growls at me in the middle of the night whenever I move. That was really starting to affect my quality of life.
• It is finally cold-ish! I am typing this wearing fingerless mittens because it is even colder inside the house.
• I turned on my old laptop and found this picture as the desktop wallpaper:

On Friday, I was in Tucson to train essay judges for an Academic Decathlon scrimmage. My relationship with Academic Decathlon is complicated. It shaped me a lot as a person, but for a long time I resented it because of things I gave up for it. I stopped seeing my friends when I was competing and studying, basically. After the season ended, I tried to hang out with them again, but it just felt like I had missed too much and had stopped knowing how to fit in. I felt this enormous sense of loss, like I had given up being a human in order to study six hours a day.

And that's still there, to a degree, but after all this time, I see other things, too. I see all the things I learned. I learned that talking in front of people would not kill me, that messing something up is not always equal to failure. I learned that, truly, I am a weird person -- like, I do things differently than other people. I had always suspected that last one, but it really became clear when I was spending four-ish hours a day around people who were (generally) closer to normal.

Yesterday, I found a job ad for a collections position at a children's hospital. This may be the worst job I can possibly imagine, and I say this as someone who had a job where I worked overnight cleaning toilets and got slapped in the face by severely mentally ill children. (Note: THESE THINGS DID NOT HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME.) No, but, seriously, take a moment to think about being a collections representative for a children's hospital. Blech. It's weird to think about all the awful things that people are called upon to do on a regular basis.

Pun Time!

A few months ago, I watched Hobo with a Shotgun. It is an amazing movie featuring Rutger Hauer, though sadly it does not include him performing a monologue that begins, "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe..." The basic plot of Hobo with a Shotgun is that a hobo (Hauer), fed up with the corruption and crime in his city, gets a shotgun and begins serving up mighty helpings of vigilante justice. My favorite part of it was this newspaper headline shown during a montage:

(Sorry for the awful quality; taking a picture of a TV screen does not yield great results.) Ugh, such a dumb pun, but it continues to light up my life every time I see it.

Grammar Time! 

Did you guys learn in school (or anywhere else) that you should capitalize the first word after a colon if it begins a complete sentence? Ex:

Here is what happened next: She ran over my legs.

vs.

Here is what happened next: she ran over my legs.

I learned that capitalization was mandatory in this situation, but no one else seems to have heard this. Did I imagine it?

The other day, Molly posted on Facebook about a romance novel called The Girl Nobody Wanted. Here are applications of that title that I have invented.

• The Girl Nobody Wanted: The Life and Times of Ann Veal
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: THEN WHY DID YOU MARRY HER, ROCHESTER?
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: The Story of Rogue; or, An Unkillable Man Is Hard to Find
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: Bella Swan Outside of the Bizarre Mary-Sue Universe of Forks, WA
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: Why Can’t the U.S.S. Millicent Kent Get a Date?
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: The Perils of Making a Mix CD Featuring Tori Amos, Mirah, or Kate Bush
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: What Jersey Shore Taught Us About Grenade Etiquette
• The Girl Nobody Wanted: The Story of Robin Scherbatsky; or, How to Tell an Incredible Lie in Title Case

This list also says SO MUCH about what I am reading/watching/thinking about these days.

Try it for yourself, dear readers!

I looked at this thing for the first time in ages on Thursday, and I realized that abandoning this blog was a waste of a really, really good pun. (Check out the URL.)

Here are some things things that have happened:

• In my second-to-last semester of college, I took a class with a professor who brought really incredible desserts whenever we watched movies. Those pecan pie bars still haunt my dreams.
• In my last semester of college, I did a science project with two stoners about how THC levels in marijuana have changed over the years. Spoiler: They have increased. Nb: Finding research about this topic was difficult.
• I moved to Tucson for three years.
• I worked in an estate planning law office and learned just how rich it is possible to be, even in a small-ish, not-incredibly-rich city like Tucson.
• I ate tacos containing the following things: tripas, cabeza, and guacamole (like, just guacamole). This is in addition to less outrageous tacos, like carne asada, shredded beef, al pastor, etc.
• Bleached my hair blond; dyed it red when I got tired of that.

So there’s that. It’s been four and a half years, so, yeah, I’ve omitted a lot of things (romance! Being broke! Embarrassing myself in ways that defy both logic and decency!).